To love is to brave separation, heartbreak, risk, pain, death, and a thousand other things. Loving a man who cannot stay has taught me more than I ever imagined.
I am in love with a guy who is not here to stay. We met in the college. While he cannot give me promises of “happily ever after”, every minute we spend together is filled with depth and shared vulnerability with a good dose of laughter, tears, and silliness. I’ve learned so much. And while he is clear that both of us have no future together, I want to create something more long term and steady.
The question has been spinning in my mind for a while… How long should I stay in a relationship that has no future?
To love is one thing. To be in a relationship is another. They’re two separate things.
This is such a key distinction. I love him so much, and know I will love him forever. I know it in my heart that my love for him is constant, even if we fight, even if I never see him again. Love is timeless. It is who we are. After our bodies disintegrate and all the stars go out in the sky, it is what remains.
That kind of love I’m talking about is not even romantic. It has a spiritual essence and it’s how I feel.
When we feel the warm sensation of love in our hearts, that cozy feeling of deep connection to all things, of being wide open and touched by life, we forget that we are the one who created those feelings. That feeling of love is generated from within us.
That we love a person does not necessarily mean that it is healthy or beneficial for us both to be in a relationship. That it works for us to be together now does not necessarily mean it’ll work for us to be together forever.
I’ve found that in order for a relationship to thrive, in addition to that warm mutual feeling of love and connection, there have to be shared values and vision. We may have differences, but what matters most is that we are committed to growing together, remaining part of each other’s lives and nurturing the relationship. If one party is unwilling or unready, it’s not going to work.
On the other hand, not choosing to be in a relationship forever with someone does not mean we don’t love them. It just means we love both of us enough to let both have what our hearts truly desire, what we secretly yearn for but are afraid to admit.
There is no shame while I’m in this relationship that “has no future”.
I’ve read enough online blogs and quotes to know that if I love myself enough and take a stand for what I truly desire, I will not settle for less. I know enough. I’m wise enough. Then why am I still hanging around this guy?
We stay in a relationship until we choose not to. We are together until we’re not. Perhaps there are lessons this particular relationship offers. Perhaps this is exactly what we need to experience right now. This relationship is perfect, because that’s what’s happening right now.
There is nothing wrong with a relationship lasting only a few months or few years. We want something different and long term, but that doesn’t mean a short relationship is a bad relationship. Just because we want something else doesn’t mean what we’re having is inadequate.
A relationship’s success is not defined by its length. It’s defined by how much we allow ourselves to open our hearts, get vulnerable, learn and grow, and positively impact each other’s lives. Every relationship has its beauty and glorious messiness. Every relationship offers us a glint in the huge kaleidoscope of love and of being human.
I will enjoy my time with him as long as I can. I will cherish every moment we spent together until we both decide, it’s time to leave the relationship.
Everything happens for a reason and I deserve the best relationship possible, with myself, with life, with everything it has to offer… magic, madness, all of it right now.